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Phoenix  Registered Member #1 Posts: 6 | We here at PHX have a great sense of Humor. We want to hear your funny, sick, disgusting jokes. You can submit them, or if someone in PHX told you a joke and you want to submit it anonymously you can, just tell us your jokes! [ Edited Sat Feb 14 2009, 10:14PM ] The Phoenix Movie Realm | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | The Train Signalman Application Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash." | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Why Did the Chicken cross the Road? -- Part 2 M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Saddam Hussein #1: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told! OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Journalist Jokes A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Paper Shredder The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Fried Chicken and The Pope After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Interesting Spotted Signs 1) At a radiator shop: "Best Place in Town to take a Leak". 2) On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." 3) On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 4) Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." 5) At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout" 6) Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" 7) On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."  In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."9) On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." 10) At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 11) On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." 12) In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." 13) On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." 14) At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." 15) Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | Tiger Woods' Mercedes On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who he is. "Mornin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger. "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everythin?, says the Newfie. | ||
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| mehdil Registered Member #8 Posts: 16 | An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too.. | ||
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